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hey, i never promised you it'd be perfect.
i didn't even guarantee i'd be great.
the only thing i gave you was everything i had in me. 

i miss it

i never really think about being with someone.
it's a thought i try my hardest to keep out of my mind.
then i never have to really realize i am in fact, alone.

what a difficult thing this is for me to process.
to discover i completely understand.
it wasn't because you were busy at work.
it wasn't because we were five hours apart.
it wasn't because i loved you too much.
it was simply because you never really liked me in the first place.

the wheels stopped turning.
and i think a part of me just died inside.
kind of like your phone did when i called to tell you i finally did figure it out.

he's just not that into you.
thank you.

my version of konstantine

 I can't imagine all the people that you know

And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you in my big dreams

And I tell you
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And I'm restless
And you're naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go?
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say,
"The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past"
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of you

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your arms
But we don't have much room
To live

You had these dreams, in them you learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in you
That you could take me there
But damn it, you're so broken
Well I don't think I care
and if you hurt me then you're sorry
please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your arms
But we don't have much room
To live

And Konstantine is walking down the hall
Doesn't he look good
Standing in his underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking?
But he's been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the hall
And all that I could do
Was run my fingers through his hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when you were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights on the road
"when the first star you see
may not be a star"

I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said?
What you thought this song meant?

And if this is what it takes
just to lie with your mistakes
and live with what you did to me
All the hell you put me through
I always catch the clock, it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine

They'll never hurt me like you do
No, They'll never hurt me like you do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a guy who got into my head
with all the pretty things he did
Hey, You know, you keep me up in bed
This is to a guy who got into my head
with all these fucked up things he did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said, 
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?

I miss you...

And then I bring you home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no no
And then you'll kiss me while I'm in your arms, oh
You know I miss me in your arms
Cause these nights I think maybe that you miss me in your arms
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room? 
Because we all need a little more room
To live

...My Konstantine.


i counted your steps on the first night i met you.
i never understood what a habit it would be come.

the last time i saw you they were quick and your distance was short.
five strides and you were gone.

and what i wouldn't give to have those give steps back again.


i can finally see

With every word to leave your lips, my body feels the cold in it.
Heart sank, you hit me point blank and stayed to watch me fall.
To watch me fall right at your feet on the floor.
And the view from here cannot convince, you're still the same face of eloquence.

If I could finally get myself over it without taking the world down with me.
If I could get myself to get over it.

Pardon me but you're a part of me. I'm now accepting all apologies.
The least that you can do is stop my sky from falling.
You said we'd make it out in time, but you're getaway left me behind.
With every word we're caving in. I'm tossing, turning over it.

Feels like we're more than broken, with every passing moment.
Remember when you said the way you felt with me was "something like a dream, unlike anything?"
Well with the way you're staring at me recently, It's like you don't even recognize me.
Wait a minute, just close you're eyes I know you're tired but focus.
And say we'll make it.
Just say we'll make it.
Please say we'll make it.
God say we'll make it.

Here lies a memory the statue of everything,

and sometimes...

but only sometimes i miss you.
the only reason for missing you, is because i miss who i was when i was with you.
i'm still working on that.
fixing what you broke.

and that temporary new love, he awakened this heart from it's cold grave.
i realized that moving on was okay-i had grieved the death of this romance.
however, i've never been the same since you.
you stole the light from my eyes.
removed a part of my soul.

i miss how i used to feel.
i walk around like a piece of me is missing.
two and half years later, i still forget that i'm holding myself together.
this is always supposed to get easier.
and for the most part, it honestly is.

but i want to be completely whole.
i just don't know how to do that.
i'm unsure of the correct steps to be taking.
i'm inching forward.
breathing in and out.
burying what once sucked the breath right out of me.
this really is a lot easier.
i just hate feeling broken still.

i may be damaged goods, but i am goods nonetheless.

i am

absolutely, positively falling apart.
i've been reading this book the past week.
i love reading, it's one of my favorite things.

however this book in particular has opened up gaping wounds in me.
things i thought had long since healed.
i only apparently became strong enough to deal with them.
not that being strong is a bad thing.
it's being still wounded that is.

i can't sleep.
i just keep reading this book that opens up this hole inside of me further and further.
what am i seeking?
why am i probing further to find out what this is?
i know what is wrong. 
i guess i just don't know how to get over it.

god if it's possible please make this swift.
help me regain the power i once had over this.
i know i cannot face this alone.
i need a strong hand,
and a heavy heart to survive.

it was everything i expected you to do

 and i don't mean that in the best sense of the phrase.

oh my god

i might not make it though.
it keeps taking me further, further away from you.

what used to be painful, stabbing memories.
are now things i can barely recall.
i needed this hurt to remain here.
despite the pain, it reminded me i was alive.
and without being angry, or quite frankly even caring,
i have emerged on the other side.
and what will become of me?
without a brooding memory.
tears have been replaced by smiles that reach my eyes.
and in processing the pain, i have found there are things worth pursuing.

i have come to several conclusions.
some more complex than than the others.

but most importantly.
this has been answered.

so what am i without you?
well that's it: without you i'm just me.

and i'm beginning to realize how okay that really is.

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January 2010


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